Sunday, August 18, 2013

THE iPHONE SUCKS! Here's HOW and WHY everyone LIES about it...

Yep, the iPhone is a piece of shit.  From day one it has been.  Here are two clear examples of the type of bullshit that make it an expensive paperweight:

I.  Linear Icon Arrangement.  WHAT THE FUCK?  Icons are arranged in horizontal rows, left to right, beginning at the top of the screen and working their way down.  When you delete one, all the ones that followed, move up a spot, as if the icons are waiting in line to get that upper left corner spot.  What if I have only four icons on the page and want to arrange them in the corners of the screen with a big clock in the middle? Sorry, in line from the upper left.  And stop making problems!  Just relax and do as you're told.  IT'S INSANITY.  The programming to achieve the waiting in line effect took significant effort to create.  Why bother? Except to be an irritating, control freak? Fucking insanity.

II.  FIXED Intermittent time/date labeling on text messages.  Again...  WHAT THE FUCK?  Time sent/received information is only given for occasional messages.  A secret period of inactivity must occur between messages for a time stamp to be issued.  You'd be surprised how often I need to know the exact time a message came in/was sent.  But I have an iPhone and that information is classified and unavailable to a shithead like me.   ...EVERY PHONE IN THE UNIVERSE, DOWN TO THE OLDEST, SHITTIEST ONE IN EXISTENCE PROVIDES THIS INFORMATION.  EXCEPT THE IPHONE - BECAUSE IF YOU OWN ONE, YOU'RE TOO FUCKING COOL AND IMPORTANT TO BE CONCERNED WITH INDIVIDUAL MINUTES...  OH YEAH?  Well what if after a short text conversation, you tell your limo driver to pull through the hotel entrance in exactly 10 minutes to pick you up.  But the driver was busy doing lines in the back with a hooker and didn't get the message till a few minutes later.  THERE IS NO WAY FOR THE GUY TO KNOW WHAT TIME TO PICK YOUR RICH ASS UP, BECAUSE THE IPHONE IS A PIECE OF SHIT.

AND BECAUSE it looks pretty it has become a status symbol and to mention it's countless shortcomings is simply showing you're not cool enough to comprehend how to use it correctly. FUCK iPhones and Apple's new fascist policies and philosophy.  You can only pull off that kind of shit when you're actually right.  You assholes.

What follows is actually a separate post I wrote a week or two ago as a follow up to the above. Just FYI.  

Because I invested 30 years supporting a company that suddenly made an about-face on all it's  guiding priciples I have a special passion about my Apple-hate (I still have 6 macs in my home so yes, I'm one conflicted fellow).  So here are SOME MORE REASONS THE iPHONE IS A PIECE OF SHIT:

Siri - The virtual assistant is worthless. The sum total of it's AI is to search your contacts for it's incorrect interpretation of the words you just said.  Then, after not finding "who man e-cal cities four tally ban in afghan Stan" in your contacts, it asks "Would you like me to search the web for "who man e-cal cities four tally ban in afghan Stan"?"  Then you throw your iPhone out the passenger window of your car, as you careen into the back of a Hyundai because you weren't paying attention while screaming at your phone.  Apple's voice to text (executed by Siri apparently? - You learn this when you no longer have voice to text after shutting off [Siri] the piece of shit - it only takes about 2 days of wondering why voice to text has been down so long till you start looking online and discover the connection.  Right, two days.  That's because you're used to the POS [voice-text] periodically ceasing to function for no reason whatsoever.  But when it DOES function, it basically serves as a special form of anger and frustration.  Apple has been working on voice-text-voice technology FOR 30 YEARS!!!  THEIRS IS THE WORST IN THE BUSINESS!!!  Fuckin Google gets my shit right, so has every android phone i've had, so does the Dragon app (which kicks ass).  Fuck Apple!  Why don't you just steal the technology from someone who got it right?  Or buy them?!?!  Why does Apple's voice to text suck mammoth-elephant balls!?!!?!?!?!?!  WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!

And the spelling corrector/aid for when you do give up on VT technology is ONCE AGAIN! A PIECE OF SHIT!  Since physical keyboards aren't sexy enough for Apple, you have to use their oh, so pretty virtual keyboard.  That doesn't allow swype to make a compatible app because they are control freaks - HEAVEN FORBID a company make better software for our phone than the crap we cranked out of our assholes.  If there was a God, he would most certainly DAMN IT!  I think a large part of the problem is that Apple is so busy logging your whereabouts and trying to make apps responsive to your location that they forget how English and context work.  I live near Desert Inn road, which I once called "DI". I also live in the vicinity of Treasure Island resort or "TI".  I can barely write two letter words without them changing into either DI or TI!!!  FUUUUUUCK!   I JUST WANT TO WRITE "TO"!!!!!!  OR "DO"!  Hmmm... what is more likely to initiate a statement?  DI or DO??????  "I've got ___..."  What do you think? TO? or do I have the fucking TI in my pocket?!?!?!  Fuck Apple!

Ugh, I'm tired.. Iwant to stop.  But I must purge my mind before I put my head through my sliding glass door.  Back to the sexy typing interface -- OOOOO0oooooohhh! So revolutionary!  a little magnifying glass to show better detail of where you finger is putting the cursor!  TOO FUCKING BAD MY FAT FINGER BLOCKS MY ABILITY TO SEE THE GADDAM MAGNIFYING GLASS THING!!!  AND EVERYTIME I FINALLY GET THE CURSOR TO THE RIGHT SPOT, WHEN I LIFT MY FINGER FROM THE GLASS, UNLESS I'M ABSOLUTELY PERFECT, THE CURSOR MOVES OFF OF WHERE I NEED IT.   ...There goes another 4 minutes of my life that I'll never get back, editing a 3 line text message!!!!  CRUCIFY YOUR iPHONE!!!! Get smart and buy a beeper.

ENOUGH WITH THE iTUNES!!!  It's a music player.  Well it was?  Back when it was a well engineered piece of software.  Not the Behemoth Piece of Shit it has become.  All in the endless effort to get you to buy stuff from the iTunes store.  That's it.  Sales, sales, sales, sales, sales.  Leave Me ALone!!! Give me back my simple media player!  I DON'T NEED THE ITUNES STORE!  I LISTEN TO OLD MUSIC.  I GET IT ALL FREE.  FUCK THE FUCK OFF!!!! I look at my screen filled with unnecessary options and sexy garbage...  I just wanted to listen to Oingo Boingo.  I own the fucking CD!  I don't need a cloud or a match or a fucky fuck!!!!  And why are you constantly downloading information from my computer?!?!?!  FUCK OFF YOU NOSY PIECES OF SHIT!!!!!
Why can't Apple split their stock like a normal company?  $500 a share?  Really?  YOU CASH FAT PIECES OF SHIT!  MAY YOUR COMPANY SUFFER THE SAME FATE AS YOUR CUSTOMER SERVICE!

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